Feelings and emotions

If there's one thing I'm good at last year, it would be faking my feelings. I had to, most of the time, to save myself from unnecessary stress and keeping my sanity. However, it came with a prize, I was starting to feel my feelings were mismatched. There were moments when I couldn't do like I couldn't express how I truly felt in the moment without questioning myself if that's the correct response I should be giving or I couldn't be too happy without feeling guilty over something else and the list just goes on.

Writing this I do realised that I started to overthink my own feelings way too much, to a point I gotten so defensive over my feelings that I only show anger as a form of defense so that no one can ever hurt me. I'm not even sure if someone gets me as it's sounds pretty complicated and confusing but this is what it is hahaha.

So this year, huge plans for me that I'm allowing myself to unlearn and relearn emotions. It's funny to think about at this age, I thought mastering emotions would be it. I do wish I knew what exactly the root cause were, that I started to feel this way so it is easier for me to find a proper way to better myself. For now the plan is simple, to dive deeper into emotional intelligence, journal and reflect using some journal prompts, practice mindfulness (I think I might use headspace for this or attending yoga classes again), read, read, read and socialise more to better understand the people around me and learn how to regulate emotions around them. Sounds simple but executing this would require much effort I know. 

Anytime around this year my goal is to just gain clarity with my feelings and emotions, and most importantly less anger within me. One out of my many many goals, I do hope I could achieve this. Let's be hopeful together.

Until then, take care and be mindful.